sheenah (sheenah) wrote,

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Should We Leave Our Fantasies JUST Be Fantasies...

I don't know if ANYONE reads my journal but...

What a disaster! I think my sexual fantasies have gotten the better of me and it's time for Mama's Girl to get her feet back on the ground.

So this guy I'm dating, "R," pretty hot, hot a whole lot between the ears but at least he has some interests besides football and bowling ... And he's not bad in bed .. And what's majorly important, he has these bisexual fantasies and I think I will finally, finally get some REAL LIFE slash! Finally! I've fantasized about this since I was like 16 or something!

So we go out for New Years and we are having a real good time. He's in a mood to dance and he's pretty good dancer and how hard is it to find a straight (ish) man who can dance or likes to dance??? We decide to go to this lesbian bar that attracts a lot of straight people and gay men. Weird lesbian bar, huh?

We are having a BLAST and flirting and he is turning me on big time and he knows it and tries to turn me on even more by flirting with men. There are a couple hotties who are obviously into him and they know he's WITH me, and not just hanging with me (he keeps frenching me). He asks me which one I like and I tell him, this blond with a real hairy chest and thick sweaty arm pits. He's wearing this really skinny tank top and has these big brown nipples, at least the size of quarters, which means he has a lot of my big weaknesses...

So now "R" is really flirting with this guy and the guy is flirting back with both of us!!! And soon the three of us are DIRTY DANCING!! I mean, WOW! At one point my bf is bumping my butt and then he is bumping this guy's butt! I mean, just grinding and time just seemed to blur and it was midnight and by bf kisses me like I haven't been kissed in a LONG LONG time and then he looks back and forth between me and this guy and I nod and then he kisses him!!!!

You won't believe this, but I came!

And then ... And then ...

And then we took this guy home with us!

Now. let me say there were alarms going off in my head ... Mamma's Voice was wailing, "What are you doing, Sheenah?????"

And I was thinking, "Do you really want to take this step???"

But I did. And it was hot!

Mostly ...

I finally got to see men have sex!!!!

And NOTHING prepared me for how HOT that was. SCORCHING! If I lying, I'm dying!

But mostly for me it was just watching. Which was okay, really. I was wanting a little more, but it was like hovering in the midst of a slash story...

See, the other guy was false advertising. He wasn't really bi at all. He just wanted my bf.

Now I don't blame Rob at all. He was scared and excited and nervous and dealing with all those old tapes from his religious parents telling him what he was doing was evil. He was so afraid that first time to just touch that man's throbbing leaking erection!!! And the first time he licked it! And the first time he took the head in his mouth (I came again, believe it or not, just at the sight and wasn't really even touching myself)

He looked at me all scared and excited and I was all smiling encouragement and he LOVES porn so I actually (groan) started talking kinda dirty and ...

That was it!!!!!!

Rob was INTO it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He went CRAZY!!! Snorting and sucking his penis and rooting around in this guy's sweaty low hanging balls and scrotum like a pig digging for truffles.

It was SO hot! I came a whole lot of times so I can't really complain.

But still these alarms were going off...

Not just about how much he was getting into it ...

... But ... Was this me??? Threeways and stuff???? Was this Sheenah???

Was Mama's Girl going too far???

And when Rob sucked down that man's cum like ti was his favorite all time desert ... I mean ... It was his first time! Warning lights were flashing even then. Not that I didn't believe it was his first time. I do. But ti takes most women quite awhile to get used to that taste and texture. I thought I'd puke the first time...

And Rob f*cked the guy, which was also way hot, but I had to remind them to use condoms for God's sake! But it was HOT to watch!

Rob was all a buzz the next day and we cuddled a lot and when we had sex that night it was pretty good. I even let him do me doggy style.

And then we got busy and he didn't come over for over a week...

And then I find out he's been with the guy all week...

He's been f*cked. He PROMISED me I would be there when he last his virginity that way and he said he just couldn't. He was too shy or some-damn-thing. It was "too personal."

And maybe I can get that, you know? And we aren't going steady. We agreed we could see others. But he promised!

And he let the guy f*ck him without a condom!!!! Can you believe that? In THIS day and age? But he said he wanted to know what it felt have ... you know ... semen inside him... He felt it wouldn't be real any other way. Will it feel "real" if he gets AIDS???

And he thinks he might be in-love with this guy...

But he still cares for me...

But I don't know if I care, you know?

I think I just got in too deep.

I crossed a line I shouldn't have crossed.

All these people cross it all the time and have rich fulfilled lives... I thought I could also. It appealed to me. Maybe I still can...

But I don't know that I want to anymore.

I think slash is just supposed to be a fantasy for me... Not real.

I loved being there first hand and seeing ti all in glorious 3-D Technicolor. But I think I'll stick to regular hetero guys just for me.

Hopefully one who won't mind my love of slash.

I've been afraid to read any for a couple of days now... What if I have some flash back or it squicks me now???? Slash has brought me so much enjoyment.

Is it too late to go back to being Mamma's little girl?

I think I'll let my membership go to those communities with male nudes and stuff... That would be a good start...

I'll let you know what happens...
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